Love Your Enemies: Part 2 Overcoming Conflict, Love in Action,Karpman Triangle Outer Relationships

Let's start with a quick review of the first about loving your enemy-the enemy within. Different, from the karpman drama triangle, an inner enemy in the form of repetitive, toxic thoughts is possible: our inner dialogue is often bullying with aggressive self judging, condemning and criticism or self victimizing with passive depressive poor me, I’ll never, I can’t attitude. If we let the ego, monkey mind take over, identifying and defining ourselves by these thoughts, in short, we’re miserable. The ego or reptilian brain thrives on fear, drama and separation. Inwardly, the only way out of that vicious circle, is to pull out, gain perspective, acknowledge the anger and/or sadness, breathe in love to shift your consciousness into the neo cortex and become your own savior, rescuer. Reconnecting to our higher thinking faculties enables us to namaste ourselves, to salute our inner divine.

Moving on to what I call “overcoming conflict, love in action.” It was an observational exercise, that I learned during my Waldorf Teacher training. This exercise really shows how we project the enemy outwards in the classical drama triangle. Here’s how it works:

Let’s imagine 2 Russian stacking dolls who represent people are positioned opposite one another. One has a crystal in front of her but then there is a "silver" wall, representing a "filter" separating both of them. We’ll call the bigger one Matruska A, and the smaller one, Matruska I. We can even imagine that they’re friends, who have some things in common. They may even be in the same family, heck they do look alike.

The silver “block” represents a filter. What do I mean by a filter? Well, we often perceive the world through certain filters like religion, political affiliation, education, gender, economic standing, and so on so forth. In these days, a filter could even be a mind control program subconsciously, and subliminally programmed into you. We’ll not elaborate at this time, but do your own research. In any case, filters become blockages in relationships. I’ve chosen a circle because it’s the most harmonious form.

One day Matruska "A" and Mastruska "I", were having a discussion, that turned into a heated debate. They had opposing perspectives on the matter and the topic brought out emotions which in turn brought out filters in both of them. They are in conflict.

To keep it simple, let’s just say that, that Matruska I sees clearly that the “crystal” exists, and because there are filters, emotional blockages, Matruska A is incapable of believing or understanding what Matruska I is talking about because Matruska A cannot "see it" and it may be righ in front of her. For Matruska I, it's crystal clear. Technically, from their respective positions, both are right. But would you rather be right or be at peace with your friend? So, what happens is pingponging, both are locked into their egoic position not wanting to let the other be right, neither one yielding.

Ideally, there would be no filters nor emotional blockages to understanding each other but that is rarely the case in conflicts.

What happens next? If each one remains in their egoic positions, and neither budge, well it’s a huge fight, which could lead to the end of their relationship. Then, next best option, is to agree to disagree, if both are capable of not judging the other and of allowing the tension to dissipate. OR….what if…

Matruska A takes a deep breath, and remembers suddenly how much she cares for her friend and decides to move out of her position. She decreased her angle from 180° to 120° and lo and behold, she could now see what Mastruska I was seeing. She put her love into action by wanting to understand her friend’s perspective.

Likewise, Matruska I could have moved with her crystal towards A. Either way, one or both needed to breathe in spirit, take an inspiration, come back to center from all the energy in motion, and put love in action, compassion.

Once again, reconnecting to Love, first within, then for the other overcomes conflict, and opposing position. It brings togetherness, compassion and unity conscious. Now let’s have a look at the drama triangle with all 3 roles externalized.

We’ve already seen quite a bit on the bully and victim. Let’s now look more deeply into the rescuer, who in this externalized, which become toxic because their ego and therefore, identity gets wrapped up in saving and thinking themselves as superior, and just “such a good person”. The rescuer is also known for being the enabler, which means in the case of addictions, the enabler is against the idea of the addiction, for example, drinking but, unconsciously encourages it. Or, even when you clean up after your kids, when it’s their responsibility to do that is being a toxic rescuer.

The key aspect to observe in the drama triangle is that no one takes responsibility for themselves. We usually have one that we play the most. Many parents for example, probably fall more into rescuers. In a full blown conflict, what usually happens is the roles shift.

The victim’s method of avoiding responsibility is complaining and feeling helpless. The bully blames thereby externalizing his or her feelings of insecurity and inferiority in an aggressive manner. The rescuer, having no sense of inner self worth, robs from the victim of taking care of themselves, to feel better about themselves. The rescuer then “bullies” the bully for “hurting” the victim, and the shift occurs.

The Bully has too much anger and self loathing so he/she needs the victim. Without the victim, there is neither a bully nor a savior. The victim experiences so much self deception and disappointment, that sadness, depression and inertia take over. The rescuer needs a victim to be a hero, as well as a bully to feel self righteous, ignoring their emptiness inside and insatiable need to be seen.

Let’s go back to what’s going on in the brain in this drama triangle. In short, this dynamic happens entirely in the reptilian brain that only know the 3 F’s: fight, flight, and freeze. This part of the part is the seat of the ego which thrives on fear and separation.

The bully fights or looks for a fight aggressively. Bully attacks the victim or savior. The victim freezes hoping not to be notice, frozen in self-pitying inertia. The savior takes flight to save helpless “baby bird” who needs to figure out on their own how to fly. Before understanding how to get out of the drama, let us look at 2 examples:

First, let’s look at the madness with an example: a Mom as a bully says to her child who’s playing a video game after school: Have you done your homework. Kid:"No, it’s too hard, and I’m too tired." Mom:"But you’re on a video game? That’s not how it works here!" And she unplugs the video game saying "You’re a lazy good for nothing video addict." Kid: goes and curls up on his bed, the mom keeps yelling. At this point the Dad comes home and says “what’s going on here? Why is my little slugger crying?" The Dad goes and comforts the son without even learning what’s going on. Kid: "Mommy pulled the plug on my video game!" Dad: "What did you do that for?" Mom: "He didn’t do his homework and broke the rule." Kid: "I was waiting for you to help me." Mom: "He was avoiding doing and being disrespectful." Dad: "You’re too hard on him, he’s just a kid, he needs a break". Mom: "You’re too lenient and giving him the message that he can disrespect the rule." Kid:"Mommy is mean." Dad: "You said it champ."

So, the Mom largely plays the bully, the Kid plays the victim, and the Dad the savior. We saw when the dad and kid ganged up on the Mom, they become bullies and the mom a victim. Only division and hostility came out of this scenario. The parents, indeed, taught their child "divide and conquer" which could also adversely effect their couple, and that being a victim gets rewarded by the saviour’s energy of the father. The father dishonoured his wife and saved his kid probably out of some guilt for not being present in his kid’s life, and so on and so forth.

Now that we’ve seen the toxic dynamic, we can see how to get out.

The bully can become a challenger. Mom could say:”I see you’ve had a long day at school, before starting homework, I bet you can come up with a good idea for a quiet rest activity. Then I can cheer you on for your homework.” In this case, she’s not aggressive or harassing, she inspires her child to be a creator. Yes, Victims become creators. Now the child, instead of feeling sorry for himself at how cruel and hard life is, and then escaping into his video game addiction, he can invent his own quiet game or activity and spend time with his mom. The Savior then can become a Coach or mediator who does not take sides. Dad could say: ‘there seems to be a problem, let’s hear both sides, and see if we can come up with a win win solution or an agreeable compromise.

There is a way out of the drama triangle. Breathe before acting, listen actively and be present, drop the ego need to be right and juiced by feeling superior or inferior, be courageous and change perspective, imagine walking in the shoes of others, send love to yourself and others. Love then your enemy, real or perceived, as yourself, as Everything regardless of its form is Love, is God Source Creator.

Here is the video on my youtube channel that goes with this text. The matruska bit will make more sense when you see it visually : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj_AjiUWJpY&list=UUHdEUPr2SwZziSDPY85oRVA&index=4

Please also see parts 1 and 3 of the Loving Your Enemies theme.